As I write this, it is 14:50 on the 23rd August 2018. What that means is that in under 2 days, my first poetry and prose collection will be available to buy on Amazon!
Last year, my life was a little confusing. I was writing poetry on my Instagram every day, as normal. Yet this blog suffered a little bit in the hands of a depressive slump that robbed me of motivation and I was deciding how I was going to reach the goals I had set for so long. I had begun to collect poetry that I had workshopped longer than those you see on Instagram but had not yet defined it as being the start of a book. The year passed, the winter was strange with many odd memories that seemed to disappear in a moment’s flash. Then 2018 came around. Quite possibly the most 50/50 year of my life so far!
It has not been the worst year of my life, nor has it been the best year, but without a doubt, it has gone from 0-100 in a matter of months. It started relatively melancholic, but I had begun to put a label on the collection I was writing and I had some motivation to make the book a reality. Then, after a mixture of emotions had been bottled up (without me really realising) it all came crashing down in a moment of conflict. I was finally forced to admit that I was not as happy as I thought I was. This, however, turned out to be one of the best epiphanies I have had.
From that moment, I started by doing what everyone does to begin with – I ran away. Well, not completely, I went to Brighton for my birthday and swore to myself I would move there as soon as humanly possible. In my head at the time, this was the best thing to do and I always knew I loved Brighton, so there really was no other option. Yet really, in hindsight, the only thing that is true in that thought process is the fact I’ve always loved Brighton. The speed and the move to Brighton being my only option was not true, and for that matter, the reason for going to Brighton was also not true. I was just escaping from those bottled emotions and conflicts as always, one of the many things that had sent me into that whatever-you-wanna-call-it state.
I was writing non-stop while also working a 40-hour retail job, and trying to find a way to save up for Brighton and to find a job to move there for. It wasn’t going well. I was stressed, and I think realistically, I wasn’t looking properly simply because somewhere in my subconscious, I knew that I was just escaping and at some point, I would have to encounter the conflict in my mind before going anywhere. So that’s what I did.
I put even more passion into the book and remembered that the whole concept of it was to heal, so what better way to write a book than to write it and let it heal me as well. My heart and soul were hurting, and I was in a place too dark to care. So, I threw any fear of honesty aside in a fit of carelessness that ended up working to my advantage. I wrote everything I felt. I put words to the page that previously I have been too scared to ever confess, or to ever make public. It was honesty, in its truest form, and throughout the process of creating it, this candidness meant that my emotions, the tears and the happiness as I put together this collection were so incredibly real and intense. This catharsis and release of fear have transformed me just that little bit more. I feel excited and risky, and brave. I have a new job, I have this book coming out, and I have realised the love around me that really matters. Proof that a year changes everything.
The book comes out in just a day and a bit, and I cannot wait for everyone to see it, and to read it, and hopefully, to heal from it, the way I have. To hear more updates make sure you follow me on Instagram and Facebook: @liamxavier95.
Liam Xavier 